The Value of True Partnerships
“The Magic of Quantum Leap Thinking™” Part 13: The Value of True Partnerships
As I review my life, I realize that in both my professional life and with friends and family, partnerships have always nurtured me.
We create partnerships for a variety of reasons, but the primary reason is for strength and resources. The bottom line is that we can do more when we have more help.
We also create partnerships for safety, teamwork, and love.
The need for a primary, loving relationship touches the very center of what it means to be human; it demands of us the courage to grow, stretch, learn and be vulnerable. It is only when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable that we become open to giving and receiving love and help.
The willingness to be open is scary because we risk being hurt. There seems to be limitless possibilities for rejection, criticism, disappointment, lies, and loss, and the depth of feeling you may experience can become overwhelming. Loving makes some people feel out of control.
The struggle to achieve this brand of partnership is the force at work in novels, movies and poetry. It is at work all around you. Everyone wants to be partners with somebody, but how many successful partnerships do you see? Why is it so hard?
Ask yourself, “What does a loving relationship look like? What does it look like and feel like? Are you afraid? Give the fear shape, form, color and texture. Do you feel more than one fear? If so, see if you can discover the basic fear which supports the other fears.
Think positively about fear. What does it have to teach you? There is always a lesson to be learned from fear. Accept the possibility that you may have created the fear yourself. If so, did you create this fear to protect yourself from something?
What is your vision of an ideal partner? How do you want a partnership to look and feel? What circumstances exist? What words would you use to describe an ideal partnership?
Pretend you’re there. Surround yourself with your ideal vision of the future. Use your imagination. Open your heart. Create the vision as though it was a movie: then make yourself the star of your unique movie.
If you’re really into this exercise, take a moment to write down or record in detail your definition of an ideal partnership. If you become aware of any resistance, acknowledge it as fear and – keep writing.
1. Love and respect yourself first
Being true to yourself does not mean being self-centered or narcissistic. One of the greatest detriments to any relationship comes from expecting others to fill your void. The results are disastrous. There are enough hurdles to partnerships without asking or adding the strain of your neediness. When you nurture a loving relationship with yourself, you have built the foundation for creating other partnerships.
2. Acknowledge your fears
Partnerships can tap into your most basic fears: loss of freedom and loss of control. They also open up opportunities for rejection, betrayal, entrapment, manipulation, and worst of all, unrequited love. If you associate fear with partnerships, go through the following exercise.
a. Take a moment and honestly imagine what you are afraid of when it comes to a committed partnership. What does it look like and feel like? Give the fear shape, form, color and texture. Do you feel more than one fear? If so, see if you can discover the basic fear which supports the other fears.
b. Think positively about fear. I know this can be a challenge. So, ask yourself, “What does my fear have to teach me?” There is always a lesson to be learned from fear. Accept the possibility that you may have created fear yourself. If so, did you create this fear to protect yourself from something?
c. How would you like your vision of an ideal partnership to look and feel? What images and emotions come to mind? What circumstances exist?
d. Move into and surround yourself with your ideal vision of that future. Use your imagination. Open
your heart. Create the vision as though it was a movie: then make yourself the star of your unique movie.
e. Write down in detail your definition of an ideal partnership. If you become aware of any resistance, acknowledge it is fear and – keep writing.
3. Except people as they are
A partnership is a team, and the key to teamwork is synergy: the sum is greater than the parts. When two people form a commitment, a metaphorical third-party is formed, which needs as much nurturing as does each of the parts separately.
Respect the needs of the individuals in your partnership. Take the time to discover their core values and make sure their values are honored and supported. As relationships change, so do needs. Be observant, ask questions and go out of your way to make sure your partner’s values are fulfilled, and you will experience the magic of value-based relationships.
4. Tell the truth
It’s easier to confide your deepest upsets and hurts to your hairdresser than it is to the one we most need to communicate with, but without the courage to risk honest communication, there can be no quantum leaps.
Most of us don’t want to make the people we work with or the people we love angry, or disappointed. We’re often afraid to be rejected or betrayed or appear foolish. So, we let the little things slide.
However, not communicating what may appear meaningless results in what I call the “accumulation affect.“ Pressure builds as the little frustrations and hurts accumulate until there is an explosion: anger, withdrawal, depression, betrayal. The irony is that whatever finally caused the explosion is almost never the real reason.
Real reasons are stored up from the past, but the argument alone can permanently damage the partnership. All this frustration and unhappiness could’ve been avoided had there been healthy communication.
Power struggles in partnering are inevitable. Each person is a separate entity with separate beliefs, values and points of view. Confrontations are an integral part of the dynamics of any meaningful, committed team. This is especially true as the paradigm shifts concerning the evolving roles of men and women in today’s society. Different points of view conflict.
The healthy solution to power struggles is communication, for all partners to express what they want and need to confront the provocative situation immediately. Negotiation is the only solution.
Experience fear and go for honest communication. Don’t blame. State what you feel. Don’t suppress the little things.
5. Renew partnerships
When a partnership is new, everyone spends a great deal of time communicating. We treat potential partners with respect, listen to their problems, and share our solutions. Then something peculiar begins to take place.
As relationships mature, we tend to expect certain behavior. We criticize more; show less appreciation, and more anger. We are less patient, and we spend less time listening. We forget what brought us together in the first place. The arrogance of assumption sets in. We believe our partners will be there forever, regardless of what we do or say.
Partnerships take work. Make it a daily practice to think of the goals which brought you together in the first place. Treat your partners as friends. Respect and value that friendship on a consistent basis. A garden has to be cultivated if you want it to grow. Cultivation of relationships is just as vital to keep any partnership alive and well.
Choose a partnership that is important to you. It could be your marriage, your relationship with your child or your boss, your best friend or your parents.
You didn’t think you would get away without doing a little mental work, did you?
So, I shall conclude this article by asking you to please answer five questions. Remember that no one will see your answers so, in spite of any resistance, play the game.
- Does your relationship allow you to honor your love for yourself?
- Does this relationship allow you both to acknowledge your fears without judgment?
- Do the two of you accept each other as you really are?
- Do you tell each other the truth?
- Have either of you made efforts to keep the partnership fresh and renewed?
If your answered ‘NO’ to that last question let’s, as my grandfather used to say, “Get cracking and do it.”
I promise you that you can enhance every partnership in your life.
IMAGINE THAT!
James Mapes is a keynote speaker, best-selling author, coach and hypnotist. His most recent book IMAGINE THAT! Igniting Your Brain for Creativity and Peak Performance is the first web-supported book with access to 21 video-coaching clips.
James Mapes is the founder of Quantum Leap Thinking™, creator of The Transformational Coach™, expert on the psychology of “applied imagination,” best-selling author, highly acclaimed business speaker, consultant, seminar leader and personal excellence coach.