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“Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.”
Sunkissd248

Support is a tricky word. I do like the implication of the Online Dictionary’s definition of support: “To hold in position so as to keep from falling, sinking or slipping or to strengthen.” Support means different things to different people. To some, “support” means giving their time, money or both to their favorite cause. To others, the word might be a call to support our troops fighting in a foreign country or supporting a political party to win an election. In organizations such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon, being part of a support system is the key to both recovery as well as achieving and keeping physical, mental and spiritual health. Yet, to some, asking or giving support is just too “touchy /feely”. However you want to look at it, having a support system, group, team, circle or what ever you choose to name it is one of the key elements to living an exceptional life.
The reality is that as we move through life’s peaks and valleys, a solid support system can bless us with family and friends who celebrate our wins, comfort and encourage us at our low points, cheerlead us through our endeavors and lend a hand when needed. Cultivating and nurturing a support team can be one of the most important projects you undertake – on a number of levels.
Here are three personal life-changing examples.
In 1984, I was going through a career minefield and I absolutely knew that I needed to reinvent myself and simply did not know how to do it. Bringing together a group of my closest friends for two days, we brainstormed my life, taking it apart and putting it back together again. Out of this wild two days with what I then called my “leaper colony”, came the creation of The Quantum Leap Thinking Organization and what would become a dream career of speaking and coaching. I simply could not and did not want to do it alone.
In 2002, more dear friends threw themselves into helping make my one-man show on Broadway an absolute, phenomenal success. I could not have done it alone.
In August of 2009. I underwent open-heart surgery to replace my aortic valve. Both friends and family called and asked what they could do to help. What stands out most in my mind is that my wife arranged for no more than two people to visit me at home once a day, everyday, for an hour. I was showered with food, gifts and, most importantly, love. This generous show of support over a period of weeks elevated my mood and contributed enormously to my healing.
If my personal examples aren’t enough, consider this: a number of clinical studies tracking individuals over decades have concluded that, those who maintained strong connections with family, close friends, and community had significantly lower rates of mental and physical health disorders. The truth is that a strong network of supportive family and friends act as a giant buffer against life’s stressors.
Having a strong support system does not magically materialize and it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It takes clarity, self-awareness, focus, energy and a willingness to help others without expecting a payback.

1. The first major step to cultivating a network of healthy support is to make a personal commitment to yourself, because – it all begins with you. Commit to treating yourself with kindness and compassion. First, become your own cheerleader. If you can’t do it for yourself, why would anyone else want to jump on your band wagon?
2. Define your own needs, limits and boundaries. Your clarity will help you get your priorities in order and help make clear to others the kind of support they can give you.
3. Take an honest look at the people who are already close to you. Appreciate their strengths and limits and accept them for who they are. No one can be everything at once. Not everyone can be a teacher, confidant, helper, and cheerleader or give you emotional comfort in the same way. For example, my wife gives me one kind of support, my personal assistant another. In addition, each of my friends is unique and has distinctive talents and interests and each one gives me a different kind of support.
4. Ask for help when you really need it and be specific about what you want. Many people hesitate to ask for support yet – people really do want to help other people. And, if they help once, they will often help again. In his autobiography, Ben Franklin wrote, “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged.” Others will become invested in your success.
5. Nurture your support system. Look around at your family and friends and constantly be on the lookout for what you can do to help them achieve their dreams or reduce their stress. You receive by giving and, if you give support without expecting anything in return, I’m sure you will receive all the support you will ever need.
6. Be a very good listener. One of the most effective ways to show support is to be a good listener. Your willingness to listen without judgment and with an open heart is healing.
7. Show gratitude. If you want to have a solid support system, never take anyone for granted and always express your gratitude.
Don’t wait until a crisis happens before you begin to build your support network. Support is the glue that deepens relationships. Follow these seven tips and you will live an exceptional life.

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone
you despise live rent-free in your head.
– Ann Landers, syndicated advice columnist

Letting go of a life-diminishing attachment is extremely challenging because it involves emotions. At the core of what makes letting go so very difficult is realizing that it represents loss. But, on the positive side, letting go can also represent the willingness to unburden yourself and make space for something new.
An attachment could be a habit, useless junk stored away in your garage, clothes hanging in your closet that you haven’t worn in years, a self-defeating addiction or just the general “stuff” that takes up space in your life. The list is almost endless but the one attachment that presents the greatest challenge is relationships, specifically, “toxic” relationships.
Without a doubt, the most difficult thing to let go of in life is a relationship, even a toxic one. By “toxic” I mean a relationship that is life-diminishing, creating negative stress, anxiety or guilt. While many relationships can be healed, some cannot, and holding on to a toxic relationship is equivalent to continuing to chew on broken glass. I know, because like many of you, I’ve held on.
Very recently, I’ve had to let go of a relationship that has been toxic for over three years. Why did it take me so long to let it go? Because, even in the face of truth, I held on to the hope that it would right itself, somehow, and I felt too much guilt to end it.
Five years ago, I entered into a business partnership with absolute blind trust. In hindsight, there were small warning signs which I choose to ignore. I believe I ignored these glimpses of the truth because part of me thought this young man would grow, learn and mature and that I would be the one to mentor him. In spite of seeing fear in many of the choices he made, my hubris convinced me that I could change his character. After all, he was bright, clever, creative and extremely charming. I saw great potential and I genuinely like him.
Over the years, I chose to close my eyes when I saw him taking advantage of others. I believed him when he justified his choices and forgave him when he made decisions that weren’t in the best interest of everyone involved in our project. I even defended him when those closest to me, the people who look out for my best interests, told me what I didn’t want to hear.
This went on until I was clobbered over the head with such a blatant betrayal of trust that I could no longer allow this relationship to continue. It became obvious that the only choice was to instantly cut it off. But – and here is one of the key traps that often stop people from ending a toxic relationship – guilt got in the way.
Guilt is a wretched, devious, fear-based emotion because it chips away at being authentic and erodes self-esteem. Guilt often manipulates us to question our own judgment and, because of that, we put off making tough decisions. While many people believe that guilt keeps us on course, in line or out of trouble, my experience as a peak performance coach for over three decades negates that theory. Guilt is not productive.
I was finally able to work through my guilt and terminate the relationship. I was able to accomplish this by being willing to face the truth, acknowledge the stress this relationship brought into my life and see how the toxicity of this relationship was affecting my other relationships. Perhaps, most importantly, I was able to let go by seeking out support from close friends.
The payoff was immediate. My emotional stress disappeared, my spirit felt light and it made space for me to move on to explore new business possibilities.
I tell you my story hoping that it will help you recognize and quickly let go of any toxic relationship in your life – personal or professional. Here’s how:
1) Take 5 minutes and note all of your most important personal and professional relationships and recognize which ones, if any, are draining energy from you, creating negative feelings or are based in guilt. You will know immediately because, when you think of this individual, you will feel negative stress in your body.
2) If you discover one of your relationships is toxic, ask yourself, “Is there something I can say or do today to forgive this person?” Or, “Is there something I can do or say to heal this relationship?”
3) Ask yourself, “What is the payoff for keeping this person in my life? What am I getting out of it?” You do this by imagining your life without that person.
4) If you identify a toxic relationship and recognize that it is diminishing your life, have the courage to say or do what is necessary to let the relationship go.
Learning to let go of relationships that do not enhance your life is a key factor in learning how to live an exceptional life. As the author and motivational speaker, Dr. Leo Buscaglia, wrote, “Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?”

Dream On!

“The future belongs to those who believe
in the beauty of their dreams.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt, American Humanitarian

Chip, chip, chip, chip. If you’re not conscious and careful, this could well be the sound of your dreams slowly being ground away into obscurity. At least, that’s the thought I had the other night.
I have to confess to a secret pleasure. Sometimes, when my wife is in Manhattan reviewing a movie, I hunker down in front of a mindless action/adventure television program that I have digitally recorded for just such an occasion. Within reach, rests a note pad where I record any fleeting flashes of creative ideas.
I enjoy this process immensely because it echoes my childhood when my brother and I would sit enthralled in front of the black and white television watching Buck Rogers, Robin Hood and Ramar of the Jungle. As we watched, we dreamed of traveling to outer space, evading strange creatures in far away lands and of being heroes. I can still set part of my mind free as I did as a young boy, to wonder, search and dream.
This particular program I was watching was a three-part reinterpretation the 1967 British TV show, “The Prisoner,” staring Patrick McGoohan. In this remake, a man, known as Six, finds himself inexplicably trapped in ‘The Village’ with no memory of how he arrived. As he explores his environment, he discovers that his fellow inhabitants are identified by number instead of name, have no memory of any prior existence, and are under constant surveillance. Not knowing whom to trust, Six is driven by the need to discover the truth behind The Village, the reason for his being there, and most importantly — how he can escape.
He discovers that those who are suspected of being ‘dreamers’, those who believe there is something more, something outside the norm, something beyond their circumstance, are monitored and – if necessary – taken to an unknown place for treatment. They are never seen again.
The show triggered memories as my thoughts tumbled back to early childhood. These particular recollections were not pleasant. I saw myself being constantly criticized by my teachers for not paying attention and being bullied by fellow classmates for being different. Of course, at the time, I did not understand why. To me, in my daydreaming, I lived in an extraordinary world. I dreamed of being an adventurer, doing great things – free in spirit.
If it wasn’t for my mother, I suspect my life would have turned out quite differently. She observed me carefully and in spite of extreme lack of finances, when she saw the spark of creativity in me, nurtured it. I would suddenly be supplied with the materials to draw and paint, was enrolled for clarinet lessons, dispatched to learn scouting or supported to audition for a play and – on it went. I was not only allowed to dream; I was encouraged to dream.
The problem now is that usually when someone is called a ‘dreamer,’ it carries the negative implication that the individual has set especially high goals that are unrealistic. Yet, just imagine a world without dreamers. Without dreamers, no one would be motivated to accomplish anything. There would be no leaders, no poets, no artists, no astronauts, no inventors and no heroes. Dreamers have always been the architects of the world. Dreamers like Magellan, Copernicus and Columbus not only imagined the worlds, but discovered them, while dreamers like Mother Teresa and Clara Barton impacted the world by turning their dreams into reality with enormous humanitarian impact.
The real question is: Are you willing to dream and take the actions necessary to turn your dreams into reality? Or, are you playing it safe, afraid to leave your zone of comfort and security? Have you compromised your happiness by putting off your dreams with excuses and rationalization? Do you believe that you don’t have the skill, time, money courage, talent or education to achieve your dreams?
Consider the answers to these questions carefully because there’s one thing you definitely do not want to have at the end of your stay on this planet and that is – regret. You have the choice to re-vitalize your ability to dream, go for those dreams and re-invent yourself – now.
My coaching clients have taught me a lot about not only being a dreamer, but also going for those dreams. They have demonstrated that there is no age limit to being a dreamer. They have also shown the courage to let go of their excuses and, when necessary, to let go of the people who are the dream stealers, those who tell them that it is too late or that it can’t be done or that their dream is impractical.
Let me pass on a few simple strategies to help you dream and live an exceptional life.
1) The first thing that I want you to do is set aside 20 minutes to dream everyday – for one week – to ‘daydream’. Take a walk by yourself or close your eyes and listen to music and just – be quiet. You can do this. Keep some paper and a pen with you or use your computer to record your dreams – the ideas or goals – that pop into your head. You will know they are dreams because the mere thought of pursuing them will excite and motivate you.
2) Using all your senses, imagine, feel and visualize yourself achieving whatever you want to do.
3) Think of the big picture and ask yourself, “What would I have to change to have my dream happen and – and am I willing to change it?”
3) Write down the short-term goals that you need to take to achieve your dream. Then choose one simple action step that will propel you towards your dream.
4) Take action and notice how you feel. Keep in mind that there is a fine line between fear and excitement, and sometimes all you have to do is shift your thinking to be both excited and motivated.
5) Involve your closest and most trusted friends and family in your dreams. I guarantee that when you share your dream with the people you trust, you will give that dream a chance for life.
Your dreams are the seeds to unlocking your creativity, motivation and renewal. Ponder the words of Kahlil Gibran, the Lebanese-born American philosophical essayist, novelist and poet, who wrote “I prefer to be a dreamer among the humblest, with visions to be realized, than lord among those without dreams or desires.”
Dream on!

“It is familiarity with life that makes time speed quickly.
When every day is a step intro the unknown, as for children
the days are long with the gathering of experience.”
-George Robert Gissing, English novelist

How many times have you either said or heard one of your contemporaries exclaim, “Time just moves too fast.” “Doesn’t it seem like just yesterday when she was a little girl?” “It doesn’t seem possible that this is our 30th wedding anniversary.” “Time flies when you are having fun.” “Time heals all wounds.” Or, my favorite: “Time wounds all heels.” And the songs: “Time in a Bottle” by Jim Croce, “Time” by Pink Floyd, Judy Collins’ “Who Knows Where the Time Goes” and “As Time Goes By” from “Casablanca.”
If you are over 30 years old, you probably perceive time fleeting by at the speed of light, or if you are very young, you most likely feel that time often moves at a snail’s pace.
I’ve been pondering the nature of time a lot lately because I have become very aware of how fast time seems to be speeding along. More precisely, I wonder if it is possible to make my precious moments last longer. One fact I’ve learned over the years is that how we experience time is ruled by our perceptions. So, the obvious question is: How can I shift my perception of time and somehow, like pulling a rubber band, stretch it out, enjoy my moments even more and, therefore, enhance my life experience?
Is this just wishful thinking, or is it time for an investigation of – time?
My brother Dave lives a much slower pace than I. He has suggested that perhaps, if I wanted to experience life at an equally slower pace, I should spend more of it at our fishing camp in the Northwoods of Wisconsin. I considered trying this as an experiment but, alas, it’s not in my DNA to live out my life tucked away in a small cabin in the middle of nowhere. In addition, my wife, without her hairdresser, would not be a happy camper. No, I don’t think that would work for either one of us.
I recall myself as a child, perceiving time moving at the pace of the proverbial snail. A few events come immediately to mind, like when I was pushed by my mother into doing something I really did not want to do, such as spending an ‘eternity’ riding in the backseat of our car as we ponderously drove 150 miles to our aunt’s house on a two-lane highway. Then there was that interminable, 600-mile drive to Wisconsin for our summer vacation or – worst of all – studying. Why was it always such a tedious wait for Christmas to roll around or for summer vacation to begin?
Even as an adult, I find that time flows by like molasses when I’m waiting expectantly for some future event to happen. But, when I’m completely absorbed in a creative project, time flies by very quickly. As a six year-old, it seemed forever until my next birthday but, as a mature adult, my 60th birthday was just yesterday, wasn’t it?
Of course, as a young boy there were moments when I felt time stretching and lasting longer in a good way. That was when I was having a new adventure, which, as a child, was most of the time. Wait! Perhaps there is a clue hidden here. After all, I’ve never heard a young person say, “Time just moves too fast.” We might also find another clue by examining how the mind collects memories.
Here is the Mapes’ theory of how and why we perceive time differently when we are young, as opposed to when we are older.
- As children, each new and delightful and not-so-delightful experience makes connections in our brain – a wiring of sorts. Children see things with new eyes because most of what they experience is, in fact, new and amazing. These often emotionally powerful first-time experiences form new memories and are stored away forever, structuring a unique filter through which the future is seen. These memories are then used for comparison and pattern recognition of future events. But, because the young brain is still processing, time is perceived as – slow.
Therefore, the way we perceive time is really a function of how we remember what happens – the events of life.
Now – a look at ‘mature’ people. As we age, our experiences become repetitive. We take fewer risks than when we were young. Older people have the tendency to do the same thing day after day, week in and week out: parents raising children, going to the same job, riding the same train ride, entering the same cubicle, playing the same sport, taking the same vacation, and visiting the same friends. Our patterns of thinking become familiar and safe. As we age, we unconsciously resist most significant change and we discard new pieces of information that don’t fit within our established comfort zone.
For the majority of individuals, it’s easier to be comfortable than rewire the brain and adjust to new information. This leads to very few new memories being formed and, as a result, we perceive time as passing rapidly. .

“Time changes everything except something
within us which is always surprised by change.”
-Thomas Hardy, English novelist and poet

I regret to say that, from my observation, most people are just too complacent to take the risks necessary to rewire their brains. That’s all right IF you are content to have your life perceptually pass you by at the speed of light. “Sameness” equals comfort and, when the brain goes on autopilot, time speeds up. “Newness” equals the slowing down and savoring what we experience.
So we all need to have new experiences – to be a little uncomfortable, to learn something new, to visit different places and, maybe, to do some form of meditation. Once you do that, you will see fresh possibilities and develop innovative ideas, which, in turn, will change your perception of – everything. How powerful and life-altering your experience is will determine how much of a “mind shift” you have. If the shift is big and bold, you will see every experience you have ever had, every memory you’ve ever stored – in a new light with a different mindset.
I believe you can learn to stretch time, live a more engaging life and have fewer problems. Yes, you will have to put in some work and challenge your resistance to change and get out of your comfort zone. That’s what you did as a child and that’s what you can choose to do as an adult.
Here are a few strategies to do just that:
1. Mentally rewind and review the day before you fall asleep. You will discover that there was a lot more to it than you thought.
2. Learn a simple meditation technique or just stop and be quiet for a few minutes. All you need is to have some reflection time, every now and then. That will, perceptually, slow down time.
3. Do something new. Create a “discovery” process. If you do new things, the day will seem much longer than if you are simply repeating past acts.
4. Take an afternoon off from your usual routine. Look at this time as a mini-vacation. Let the day unfold with no agenda or do something frivolous, fun, silly or just plain outrageous – like you did as a child, and you will experience time as a child.
5. Take a day trip to a new place. Visit a botanical garden, take a child to the zoo or hike a new and unfamiliar trail in the woods.
When you’re more fully engaged in life, you still may feel that there are not enough hours in the day, but the hours you experience will be far more fulfilling, creative and meaningful. Personally, I’m starting to suspect that your life can seem longer and feel more exceptional by learning and doing as much new stuff as possible, as often as possible.

“If you are prepared,
You will be confident.”
-Tom Landry, American football player and coach

Life can turn on a dime and you had better be prepared for it. Preparation is how you deal with uncertainty, and that is something over which you do have control.
For those of you who did not read my previous article, I had written about one of my all-time, most fun, creative and totally engrossing events of my life: acting in a movie, “The Wicker Tree,” which was filmed this past July.
My wife, Susan, and I returned to the U.S. after ten marvelous days on the set, outside of Edinburgh, Scotland. She was covering the movie as a journalist while I was rehearsing and shooting. We were both on an incredible high.
Three days later, my cardiologist, Dr. Steven Kunkes, told me I had an aortic aneurism and referred me to Dr. John Elefteriades at Yale who determined that I needed open heart surgery to both replace the aortic valve as well as part of the aorta. I had exhibited no symptoms whatsoever, just a “feeling” that something was wrong. Needless to say, we went from a very high peak to a very low valley.
After absorbing the news and realizing what I faced, I made a decision. I was going to use this event as a learning experience and pass on my insights to others. That was my mindset, and on the third day of my ten-day hospital stay following surgery, lying in ICU, my mind began to crank away.
These are six insights which I would like to share with you. I firmly believe everyone can apply them to every aspect of their lives whether it is to nurture a relationship or run a business.
PAY ATTENTION: While this may seem fairly straightforward, many, many individuals living in our fast-paced, over-connected society fail to pay attention to themselves and others because their minds are often too scattered to notice what is most important to their well-being and fulfillment and the happiness and joy of others. Paying attention means focusing fully on close relationships and noticing the needs of others, and doing everything you can to help them. It means paying attention to your health, your children, your co-workers or your employees. If I hadn’t paid attention to the signs my body was giving me, I wouldn’t be here writing this article.
FACE REALITY: We, as humans, can easily fall in the trap of denial, sticking our heads in the sand, justifying our actions and rationalizing our behavior. In order to live an exceptional life, one must commit to pulling off their blinders and face reality head on. By facing the reality of my physical issue and of the looming life-or-death operation, I was able to prepare myself both mentally and physically. Facing reality gives you time to steel yourself for inevitable setbacks because it’s not usually the setback that will do you in; it’s your response to the setback.
ADJUST YOUR ATTITUDE: It’s often been said that attitude is everything and I believe that is true. Winston Churchill put it most succinctly when he wrote, “Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” It makes a big difference because it affects everyone around you – either positively or negatively. As a twenty-five year veteran ICU nurse told me, “I’ve seen first-hand how people with a positive attitude have fewer problems and heal faster than those with a negative attitude.” Attitude works the same way in every aspect of life.
CREATE A SOLID SUPPORT SYSTEM: This is not something you should do at the last possible moment. Build up a support system so the support is there the moment you need it. You do it in advance by surrounding yourself with the right people, those who are willing to tell you the truth, are honorable and know what they are talking about. To build a solid support system you must do everything you can to support others in their time of need. I cannot tell you what an incredible support system I had nor can I full express what a difference it made to my recovery. It was the power of love in action.
ASK FOR HELP AND EXPRESS YOUR GRATITUDE: Other people need to know you need them. When you are facing a true crisis, it would serve you well to put aside your ego and pride and ask for help. You will be amazed how others will respond. Of course, you then have to make the choice to allow others to take care of you. It may not be emotionally comfortable but the reality in being vulnerable shows personal humanity.
Say “thank you” to your caregivers – often. Appreciation goes a long way and makes a huge difference. I tried to be exceptionally kind to my caregivers and show them my gratitude. I was told later how “easy” I was to take care of. You have no idea how difficult the job of caregiver is unless you have been one.
CREATE A VISION THAT WILL CARRY YOU THROUGH A CRISIS: I have been helping people prepare for various medical issues for years, either in person or by making an audio recording that they listen to before their procedure or operation. They learn to relax. Being physically and mentally at ease gives you an edge. I also help them create a visualization (mental movie) in which they “see” themselves coming out of surgery successfully. In addition, I coach them to visualize doing something in the future that brings them joy.
I did this for myself and it made a tremendous difference in my mental state. I projected in to the future and created a full sensory mental movie of me sitting at a book-signing of my new book (which hasn’t been published as yet), as well as my wife and I attending the premiere of “The Wicker Tree.”
Many years ago, Charles Garfield, the author of “Peak Performance” said, “I’ve discovered that numerous peak performers use the skill of mental rehearsal of visualization. They mentally run through important events before they happen.” I cannot express the power of visualization. It’s a major factor in shaping your life.
Sometimes a confrontation with reality can be a gift. If you apply these six insights to every area of your life – your life can be exceptional.

“The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you,
who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau,
sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called “truth.”
-Dan Rather, American Journalist

The term “teacher” appeared somewhere around the 14th Century and according to the dictionary means; one whose occupation is to instruct others – a tutor. I think the word also implies that one must undergo special training and possess specific credentials to be a teacher. I’m not so sure I agree with that.
In fact, I believe that in our own way we are all teachers – sometimes having a positive influence, sometimes negative, and often, we don’t even know the impact we are having on others.
My grandpa James was one of the most important male figures in my life. His education came to a halt after the eighth grade when his services were needed to help run the farm. By shear determination he put two daughters through nursing school. Later in life he became a train engineer. I remember clearly watching him as he “drove” a massively huge steam engine. He was always inventing some mechanical wonder. He taught me how to fish and hunt. He inspired me, as he did my mother to work hard, get educated and always do the right thing. He also taught me how to drive a stick shift automobile.
It wasn’t that he just “taught” me how to drive a stick shift; he taught me with love and extreme patience. He pushed just hard enough, never got upset when I ground the gears, and trusted me absolutely. I can still remember looking at him for his approval as I made the smooth transition from second to third gear. He appeared to be relaxed, at ease and unconcerned. I now know he was anything but those things. I also know what a superb teacher he was. I know, because I recently taught my grandson to drive a stick shift.
My step-daughter is a wonderful human being but when it came to teaching my grandson David how to drive a stick shift – it didn’t’ work so well. In fact, after just a few minutes my grandson jumped out at a stoplight and refused to try again. That’s where I came in. Hearing the story from my wife, I volunteered to teach him. It was only later that I questioned my sanity. He said he looked forward to it and that he hoped that I had a lot of patience.
Since my grandfather taught me to drive in an empty parking lot, I decided to adapt the same strategy. On my way over to pick David up, I realized I didn’t have the slightest idea how I was going to approach this mission, but I really didn’t have to worry about it. From 50 years ago I heard my grandfather’s words in my head: “Don’t worry about it Jimmy. All you have to do is learn first gear and the rest will come naturally.”
David was extremely nervous and impatient with himself, probably waiting to see if I’d yell at him. I didn’t. When he made a mistake, I told him I did the same thing when my grandfather was teaching me and that you can’t learn to drive without grinding a few gears. There were a couple more suggestions from me, a few more mistakes from him, some encouraging words, “Don’t worry about it, it just takes practice.” And then, quite suddenly, he slipped into first gear without effort. Then second gear. We wheeled around the parking lot for almost an hour.
Then I lead him to tackle shifting into reverse. Fifteen minutes after he accomplished that feat, I suggested he consider crossing over the main road at a light and practice in another parking lot. “NO, I CAN’T DO THAT!!.” “OK” I replied. “But you may want to think about it.” Then…silence…gears shifting and another ten minutes passed. “OK, grandpa. I think I’m ready to try that.” My eyes swept back and forth to be sure we wouldn’t get clobbered by some out-of-control driver taking on his cell phone. Across the street we went. More encouragement and praise from me, a huge smile appearing on his face, more praise, more practice, another “stretching” suggestion from me. Finally I employed all my powers of persuasion and lovingly swayed him to venture out in to the traffic and make a right turn. Suddenly, we are facing a stop sign where he stopped and loudly proclaimed, “You tricked me grandpa. I said I didn’t want to drive out on the road.” “I didn’t trick you.” I responded. “I just gave you the choice that you would have made anyhow if you didn’t have any fear.”
Less then two hours after our lesson began, he pulled in our driveway where he proudly received congratulations from his grandma. A sense of pride and love blossomed in my chest. My grandpa would have been very proud of my teaching ability.
Years ago, I heard a fellow speaker end his talk to a business sales group by saying, “Remember, your children are watching.” Indeed they are – at every moment. The Lebanese poet and novelist, Khalil Gibran, said it best when he wrote, “The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind.”
Recognizing that someone is always watching you and that by your actions you are always teaching will support you to live an exceptional life.
I leave you with a few select portions of a poem entitled, “When you thought I wasn’t looking.”

When you thought I wasn’t looking,
I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator,
and I wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking,
I felt you kiss me goodnight,
and I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn’t looking,
I saw tears come from your eyes,
and I learned that sometimes things hurt,
but it’s alright to cry.

When you thought I wasn’t looking,
I saw that you cared,
and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking,
I looked….
and I wanted to say thanks for all the things
I saw when you thought I wasn’t looking.

“Life’s like a play, it’s not the length
but the excellence of acting that matters.”
-Seneca, Roman philosopher, mid 1st century AD

I just had one of the all time greatest experiences and adventures of my life – with the additional gift of re-learning some valuable life lessons in the process.
The experience was acting in a movie. For me, it was the role of a lifetime -challenging, and way outside of my comfort zone. I played a tap-dancing, guitar-strumming, mandolin-playing Texas preacher – The Reverend Moriarty – in the sequel to the 1973 cult classic “The Wicker Man,” appropriately entitled “The Wicker Tree”. The film was shot in Scotland and is written and directed by the brilliant Robin Hardy.
Since I am known as a corporate speaker and performance coach, most people don’t realize that I was trained as an actor and appeared in a number of stage, television and film roles. Although I love the satisfaction of making a difference in people’s lives through my speaking and coaching, acting is my secret passion. Whenever I’m offered a role in a film, I grab it as fast as a child would snatch a piece of candy. The beauty of all this experience is that I have learned many valuable lessons as an actor that enhances every aspect of living. So – back to “The Wicker Tree”.
Since I neither tap dance nor play or strum any musical instruments, it required my total focus, commitment, support, belief and great deal of imagination to pull this off. In addition, I was lucky enough – with the help of a friend – to have had the best dialect coach in Hollywood, Tim Monick.
The first “life lesson” I was reminded of is the beauty of working/playing in an environment that is totally supportive – the perfect example of team collaboration. The entire cast and crew were there to accomplish the vision of the director yet were allowed to craft their own vision within his larger vision. Everyone I met set aside their ego and did their best to help everyone else be as good as they could be. Personally, I had the total support of everyone with whom I came in contact and, because of the faith the director had in me, I had faith in myself.
The second lesson I re-learned was the importance of practice and preparation. From the beginning, I took phenomenal actor Anthony Hopkins’ advice and read my lines over 500 times before I started to develop a character and, trust me, that required a lot of patience! I also reached out to other friends, actress Jane Powell for instruction on tap-dancing and Alfred Vanderbilt for a guitar lesson. They were there for me in a flash. The bottom line is: when I appeared on the set for the first day of rehearsal, I was calm, centered, excited and – prepared. There is absolutely no short cut to excellence. This one lesson would be very valuable for everyone in their early years to learn.
The third lesson was one that came tumbling back from my many years of acting lessons, specifically a lesson I learned from one-of-a-kind acting teacher, Stella Adler. While I was fortunate enough to have taken a couple of classes with the great Lee Strasberg, I was never really comfortable with pure “method” acting and always seemed to have trouble “re-living” the exact memories which would help me create a specific character. It only took a few classes with the tough-talking, hard-driving, no holds-barred, Stella Adler to both give me the tools and permission to create a character.
Stella was adamant that an actor should create by the “imagination” rather than by “memory” and that “if you studied the text and truly believed in the imaginary circumstances, all the emotions in the script would surface organically.” It was a perfect match between how my creative imagination worked and how she believed an actor must create a character. You just had to make up a past that belongs to your character. As I was to discover in my studies of human behavior and the mind, this was how most people lived their lives.
As I worked on the Reverend Moriarty script, I recalled Stella Adler saying, “You can’t be boring. Life is boring. The weather is boring. Actors must not be boring.” Believe me, I chose to make this character anything but boring. The beauty of this lesson is that Stella truly believed that growth as an actor and as a human being is synonymous. This in itself is a very solid life lesson.
The final and perhaps biggest lesson I learned was two-fold, the importance of holding on to your dreams and doing everything you can, as often as you can, to maintain your relationships, because it is relationships that help you achieve your dreams.
Eighteen years ago Robin Hardy saw my one-man show, “Journey into the Imagination.” Within two months, he had cast me in one of his films and was in the process of writing another film in which I would star – a dream come true or – so I thought. However, due to unforeseeable financial issues, the projects came crashing down. Both Robin and I were devastated. We both moved on, but I never lost faith in his ability to bounce back and bring me with him, despite no evidence or promises for the future. So, throughout these past eighteen years I kept in touch with Robin, as I always do with friends.
If I were to pass on wisdom to someone young and inexperienced about the ways of the world, I would pass the wisdom I re-learned from acting in “The Wicker Tree”. Follow your dreams despite what people tell you is impossible and impractical, refuse to be put in a “box” that others, for their own comfort, will most certainly attempt to put you in, help others become the best they can be, maintain your relationships, keep your faith in the possible and always be prepared, because you just never know what opportunity the world will present to you.

“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When
I was sixty-five, I still had pimples.”
-George Burns, Comedian

If I asked you what you believe might have the greatest negative impact on your health, what would you answer? You might say it would be pollution, the Swine Flu, the high-stress environment of work, or maybe global-warming? The answer is – retirement.
How could that be? Isn’t retirement what many people work so hard to achieve? When you retire, don’t you get to go to all those places you have always been dreaming about visiting? Won’t you now have the time to read those best-sellers that have accumulated on your book shelf? And, after you retire, won’t you have the opportunity to play endless rounds of golf? Maybe – but, then again – maybe not. In fact, retirement could be deadly to your health.
A study by Shell Oil Company found that people who retired at age 55 had almost “twice the risk of death compared to people who retired at age 60.” Another well- documented study of retirement and health observed more than 16,000 men in Greece and discovered that retirees had a 51% increase in their risk of death, and most of that was limited to heart disease and cardiovascular health. Maybe that’s why magazine publisher Malcolm Forbes said, “Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.”
Does this mean you should avoid retiring? That depends on how you view retirement or even if the word fits into your vocabulary.
There are places where the concept of retirement doesn’t even exist and where people remain active and healthy into old age. For example, in Okinawa, Japan, Pakistan’s Hunza Valley and Vicabamba, Peru, you will find 90 year-olds walking miles per day, visiting relatives, working in the garden or spending time with their grandchildren. These extreme seniors don’t experience long, drawn-out periods of disablement or suffer the effects of chronic illness. They just keep on ticking until – they don’t.
How does this apply to your life? A recent experience brought it home to me.
My wife and I just returned from Scotland where I played a role in a movie. I was a tap-dancing, guitar-strumming, mandolin-playing Texas preacher in “The Wicker Tree,” the sequel to the 1973 cult classic “The Wicker Man.” It’s written and directed by an 80 year-old Brit named Robin Hardy, who has overcome numerous false starts and disappointments with this project. He has wisely surrounded himself with his former partners: 70 year-old former British Lion Films chief executive, Peter Snell, and 80 year-old producer, Peter Watson-Wood. They form a powerhouse of energy and, as Peter Snell told me, “I’m out of retirement. Thank God!”
When asked his opinion about retirement, the late Walter Cronkite put it another way, succinctly replying, “Don’t.” So, is this one long diatribe to convince you never to retire? Not at all. It’s a loud shout to encourage you to rethink your life and – refire!
My younger brother, Dave, formally retired from teaching four years ago. Since then, he and his wife, Laurie, have taken a course given by their church on how to be ‘of service’ to others. They are constantly on a mission to help others in need. That’s the filter through which they view the world and, as my brother told me recently, “We have never been busier or happier.”
The problem with “retirement” may be with the concept itself. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines retirement as “withdrawal from one’s position, occupation or from active working life.” There are many who go into retirement kicking and screaming and others who welcome the fantasy of possibility. The challenge is that fantasy is very seldom reality, which is why the American writer Ernest Hemingway said, “Retirement is the ugliest word in the language.” My belief is that we should change the word “re-tirement” to “re-firement!”
The bottom line is that you should examine the present quality of your life. What’s important for your health is what you are doing for your body and your mind – now. If you retire, sit around all day, numb your mind with television and eat a lot of red meat, potato chips and ice cream, your health is going to deteriorate. If you challenge yourself, stretch your mind, have a good social network, exercise and eat a diet bountiful with fruit and vegetables, your health will improve. It’s really your choice.
Keep in mind that health, in all its aspects, is what allows you to re-fire and live an exceptional life. Here are some tips to help you do just that:
1. Pay attention to your diet. You need to eat between five and nine servings of vegetables and fruit daily. Make this nutritional mission a priority. Start by adding three servings a week until you work up to your optimal daily requirement.
2. Exercise every day. Be creative and keep in mind your present health and interests. You should to do a variety of exercises to build flexibility, strength, balance and cardiovascular health.
3. Work your brain. Thinking is a form of exercise too. Stimulate your brain by trying new things, doing crossword puzzles, writing, painting or learning to play a musical instrument. You are only limited by your imagination – and limit the amount of television watching to two hours a day.
4. Get enough sleep. Avoid taking more than a 20-minute nap in the afternoon and make it a priority to get between eight to nine hours sleep every night.
5. Relax. You don’t want to take the stress from your former work environment and carry it over into retirement. You want to structure a way to relax. It’s really easy to learn a simple relaxation exercise or meditation.
6. Build your relationships. There is no doubt whatsoever that your relationships with others will help you live longer. Interacting with people helps you manage your stress and emotions. Pay attention to and nurture your family and personal friendships. If you don’t have family around you – volunteer. It’s a great way to make new relationships and reap the health benefits of those relationships. Don’t wait for others to reach out. Be proactive.
So, if you are facing retirement or already retired, I want you to take just a little time today to discover how you can increase the quality of your life and remember – Don’t Retire – Refire!

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your
life that count. It’s the life in your years.”
-Abraham Lincoln,
16th president of the United States

It’s quite comfortable to be wrapped in our little cocoon of routines that give us a sense of being in control of our lives. It seems uncomplicated to stay stuck in our set patterns of behavior – doing things the way we have always done them, walking the same worn path and saying “no” to anything that pushes us outside the emotional box of our comfort zone and then rationalizing our choices. It’s undemanding to dream of doing something daring and different, learning something new and traveling to far away lands. Unfortunately, many individuals are unable to summon the courage and commitment to learn what they need to learn and do what needs to be done to make their dreams happen. And then there is the often unspoken truth – a great many of us postpone turning our dreams into action because we feel that we have all the time in the world. The problem is – we don’t.
An acquaintance of mine is fond of saying, “Drink while the tavern’s open” – and he doesn’t even drink! But, I’m sure you get the point. What he’s really saying is live life while there is a life to be lived, take advantage of opportunities when they are presented to you and get out there and make things happen. Sometimes that requires being a little uncomfortable. Let me give you a personal example.
A long-time friend called me a couple of weeks ago and asked if I would like to go fly-fishing, something I’ve wanted to do for years but have always found some excuse not to. “It sounds like a possibility,” I replied. “When and where are we going to go?” “Well,” he answered, “I’ve found a guide that could take us on the Housatonic River. It’s about a two-hour drive. “What time do we have to leave?” I asked suspiciously. “I’ll pick you up at 6:00 AM.”
I have to pause here and say that I loathe getting up early. Not only do I hate it, I am bleary-eyed and not in the best of moods. I get up around 9:00 AM and – I really do not like to be awakened. I am no different than I was as a child: I need my quiet time late at night and I need eight hours sleep. So, my knee-jerk response was to say “no”.
Then I took a breath and realized that – during our thirty-six year friendship – we have never done anything like this together. I also realized that if I said “no”, I would close the door of possibility for us having this kind of adventure – ever. So, in spite of my reluctance, I said, “Let’s do it.” Quite frankly, I think he was amazed at my willingness. At 6:00 AM sharp I stumbled out to his SUV where I was greeted with hot coffee and a muffin. We met our guide and were fishing by 8:30 AM. I caught my first trout on my first cast on my first fly-fishing adventure. We had a fabulous time and, most importantly, we reconnected on a deep level – all because I was willing to get out of my comfort zone, say “yes.” That night I remembered a quote by the Pulitzer Prize-winning American writer Annie Dillard: “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” I felt good.
Over the course of my speaking career, I’ve witnessed many businesses that have become mired in fear, refusing to do things differently than they have done in the past. Most of them have now ceased to exist. I’ve also seen business leaders willing to shake things up, take risks and push their people out of the comfort zone of familiarity. Most of these are thriving. In my private coaching experience, I’ve been fortunate to watch people reinvent their lives by changing their behavior, breaking through fear, taking new actions and living their dreams.
Before I give you a few strategies for living an exceptional life, here are a couple of facts about your mind. Firstly, it’s easy to allow your brain to get lazy and when your brain gets lazy, it stops growing and ceases making new neural connections. That is just plain unhealthy for your mind and your body.
Secondly, your most vivid and powerful memories exist because they were glued into place by your emotions, both positive and negative. When you have new experiences, meet new people and take in new information, you create and store away an abundance of unique, interesting and exciting memories.
Neurons fire, synapses connect and – Bam! – you make those much desired “brain” connections. You suddenly become more alert. You “see” with new eyes. Unique opportunities present themselves seemingly without effort. The quality of your life miraculously rises. You really want that to happen.

Here are 5 steps to help you have new experiences and live an exceptional life:
1) Sit down, right now, and make a short list of the things you have said that you wanted to do but have kept putting off.
2) Choose one activity or goal from your list.
3) Write down one action step that you could take within the next twenty-four hours to make it happen.
4) Visualize yourself taking the first step. Live it in your mind, using all your senses.
5) Take action. Do it now and if you have a problem with that, ask yourself, “If not now – when?”
So by all means, drink while the tavern’s open and, as the satirist and essayist Jonathan Swift wrote, “May you live all the days of your life.”

“To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying ‘Amen’ to what
the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to keep your soul alive.”
-Robert Louis Stevenson, Scottish novelist and poet

Are you being authentic? Perhaps a better question is: Are you living your life in an authentic manner? I asked that question of someone yesterday and he replied, “Doesn’t everyone?” I don’t think so.
According to Webster’s Dictionary, being authentic means “being genuine, bona fide, and veritable; being actually and precisely what is claimed, not imaginary or false.” Let me define it more precisely: being authentic means just being you – without pretense, without fear.
As straightforward as this appears, being authentic is a life-long process. Unfortunately, society doesn’t encourage you to be authentic, so you have to take charge by first making the decision that choosing to be authentic has a payoff. Let me assure you it does and the payoff is multilayered. At its most basic, living authentically gives you more energy, makes relationships more meaningful and provides you with tremendous emotional freedom. In a broader sense, you are more likely to get what you desire when you live your life authentically.
In the past I have – from time to time – been inauthentic and, in hindsight, my action or inaction was always a reflection of my fear. For example, I didn’t say “no” to someone because I was afraid of disappointing or hurting another’s feelings. There were even times that I said or did something in an attempt to impress another person. The after burn of my fear-based behavior was always the same: I was disappointed in myself because, at the heart of my not being authentic, lay the belief that “I’m not good enough.” “I don’t like myself” or “I don’t trust myself”.
The good news for me was that I always forgave myself and learned from the experience. The lessons I learned in each instance gave me the ability to recognize and mute negative “voices” from the past and shed cumbersome and limiting beliefs that have stuck to me since childhood.
I have helped dozens of my clients over the years learn to break free of some external authority – society, parents, peers, religious institutions and even teachers who have consciously or unconsciously dictated the direction and behavior of their lives. They had fallen into the trap of living a style of life in which they had erroneously embraced a certain kind of house, car, school degree, job, position or partner. In effect, they had created a socio-cultural prison for themselves.
The bottom line is that when you choose to live an authentic life, you live a life that resonates with who you really are. You let go of the habits, power plays, pretenses, manipulations, relationships and physical “stuff” that restricts you from leading an exceptional life.
I would like to focus on “relationships” since I really do believe that’s what living an authentic life comes down to. When someone is not authentic with you, how does it make you feel? I suspect that, if you are like the majority of people, you feel angry, especially if the relationship is a close one. Perhaps you don’t even consciously know when someone is being inauthentic but you will unconsciously “feel” it. You sense a tension in the air or you feel depleted or disrespected, lonely or noncommittal, unappreciated or uncomfortable. Think about this because when you are being inauthentic, others will have a similar reaction as you.
When you choose to be genuine, to be authentic, your life will be filled with relationships that enhance, because you will attract others who are also authentic. When you live authentically, you will find yourself surrounded by people who allow you to be you, who speak the truth and encourage you to speak the truth – people who are honest because you are honest – because you are true to yourself.
That’s why it is of utmost importance that you realize that you really are in charge of your life and that life truly does follow your lead and reflects back who you are.
If you want to be authentic, you must choose to change and grow and learn about – you. I think sometimes we forget that life lessons are repeated until they are learned and that – sometimes – we need to slow down just a little to become aware of what life is trying to teach us. It’s the lessons we learn that help us to become authentic.
It takes courage to be authentic because living authentically requires more than asking questions and being aware – it demands ACTION. It means doing and saying what is congruent with our inner awareness and sometimes what you say and do will not always be popular, but it will be – authentic. Being authentic is easy. Being fake is difficult.
Here are a few ideas to help you live an exceptional life by becoming more authentic:
1. Have Integrity: Just say what you mean and mean what you say, even when no one is looking. You are nothing more than your word and if you are authentic, your word will soon become known as “golden”.
2. Treat Others Fairly: No matter what your role in life, you are always dealing with other people. The biggest secret in being authentic lies in how you treat the people you come in contact with. Do you treat others with respect and love or do you demean them when they make a mistake? There is nothing wrong with getting upset with someone but there is a whole lot wrong with belittling another.
3. Sharpen Your Listening Skills: Everyone, regardless of their position in life, wants to be heard, acknowledged, respected and loved. Everyone wants to feel important in their own way. I’ve said this many times in many ways. Ask questions when you are engaged in a conversation and focus 100% of your attention on what that person is saying. An authentic person’s attention is laser-like, sharp and focused. You are being authentic when you honestly show your interest in others.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate: I cannot tell you how many problems would be eliminated if everyone communicated with one another. Life is full of uncertainty and fear runs rampant when people are left in the dark. Whether you are a business leader, a parent or a friend – communicate. Keep people in the loop whenever possible. Authentic people have good relationships at home and at work because they keep information flowing and keep others informed.
Begin to be authentic today and you will live an exceptional life. As the 19th century British novelist George Eliot (pen name for Mary Ann Evans) wrote, “It is never too late to be what you might have been.”